It's not for me, it's for my friend...

Some jobs should not be owned up to.
No, I am not talking about shit-shoveller or rent-boy.

Ever been to a party and met a traffic policeman?.
Did you speak to him about rock music or your latest speeding ticket?

Ever met a lawyer at the same kind of party?
Did you ask for advice about the last time you were wrongfully arrested?

Ever met a doctor and spewed forth the intimate details of your bodily functions?
Well, I haven't - but many people have.

My sister, a doctor, told me a story about the perils of medical life.

'Once struck up a conversation with a gentleman at a church function. He proceeded to tell me all about his rectal bleeding and discharge! It didn't bother me but it sure upset the other people I was talking to when he arrived!'

No problem for her, though, (she is a Terry Wogan fan).

Some occupations attract it (you know who you are).

Nowadays, I suppose you don't want to say you are a dentist - everyone will have a horror story about someone who has had to travel 3 zillion miles to find one taking on new patients.

Still, one of the good things about the influx of Polish dentists has been the language barrier which will save you from an ordeal in the chair.

The ordeal, that is, of having to listen without the luxury of reply.
Award winning songwriter, Ian Davison, has put it better than I could ever do in his song 'Talking Dentist Blues'

Does nobody love a dentist? Do their sweethearts just pretend? Does everybody give them a miss, even their family and their friends? `Cause when they get you there, gagged and helpless in the chair, They rabbit and they drivel till it nearly drives you spare.

Chorus :

“So I’m going to pop these tiny wads of cotton-wool right in, And hang this suction hose here on your tongue and teeth and chin. And can you open up a little bit more there? Nice and wide.” Until the drill and the fist and the wrist are all crammed right inside.



Three wonderful verses to follow. . . . . .



The full text can be found here and as a special treat you can even download the song.

Clunking Fist Turns into Pythonesque Ten-Ton-Weight On Merkin's Head

'The British government has warned it could use tough anti-terrorism laws against bloggers who insult Nu-Labour or the country's PM.

The move comes as one of Britain's leading online commentators has been questioned by police following a complaint by the main governing party.

The new rules would allow a suspect to be detained indefinitely, without being charged or put on trial.

But officials insist the law is not intended to strangle internet freedom.'

That story was on the Beeb website and in keeping with our policy of minor subversion I have only changed a couple of words.

It will happen here too. Anyone who believes that the Government's attempt to impose 56 days on us is aimed at 'Terrorists' is missing the point.

Our favourite ex-Stalinist Mr Reid (he of Colin and Justin fame) has already talked of the need to 'target' agitators now that mere terrorists are under control.

That combined with the mass of spin which talks of the dangers of unrestricted access to the Net, anonymity and non-politeness leads me to believe that it is only a matter of time before we see ASBOs for bloggers and worse.

And I am not the only one.

'Famous for 15 megapixels' has an interesting take on things...........

'To be honest I doubt if any real change will be effected until the numbers of people who understand what's going on in the world reaches a level where acts of mass civil disobedience become a viable proposition. It will happen sure enough but events, at home and abroad, will have to get a lot worse first

"Let's fuck shit up!"

but when you've got the dollar falling through the floor, carrier groups sailing in all sorts of provocative places, homeland security chiefs with 'gut feelings' about imminent terrorist attacks and UK police chiefs talking about mass internment, rest assured it probably won't be a long wait'

Me?
I think Bush and Blair are war criminals who should be languishing in custom built cells in the Hague.
There, said it now.
Anyone agree?
If you do, say so.

Empty Bowsers In A Line

Was Gordon lying or was he just incompetent?
I think 'Our Lawdi Broonie' was telling porkies.
Blair's Meyer Lansky knew where the money was.

Sing along with all the thirsty Angles :

'Empty Bowsers, in a line
Make me feel thirsty, all the time
Empty Bowsers, make me understand
We've a feeling that he's gonna screw us till the end of time'

Apologies for screwing the original :

Tiny bubbles in the wine,
make me happy, make me feel fine,
tiny bubbles make me warm all over
with a feeling that I'm gonna love you 'til the end of time.

Amendement 1

Just in case I have been too obscure in this matter, the post was inspired by watching Dear Leader on TV talking up The Flood
He made me so proud to be a native of the empire upon which the Sun would never dare to set with his seemingly endless list of all the good things which the natives should rightly see as being the Dunkirk 1966 Blitz spirit revisited in this time of crisis when the greatest danger we face is from those who would dare to question the absolute need for 56 days and an RDF tracking device for all.
Meanwhile, the poor people, without a helicopter to whisk themselves to safety, quite rightly asked the question : 'Where is the water we were promised?'

No Trident, Better Flood Defence. Is that too simple?.

On a day when there are not sufficient troops to help in the disaster relief in our own country, it was wonderfully woeful to watch 'Our Gordon' lying through his teeth about where the troops are.
Even Peter Sissons on the Beeb commented on that, despite all the film of the unfolding problems, we never saw a soldier - they all seem to be prospecting for oil (or rather Big Oil).

Could Bruno - Meyer Lansky to Blair's Capone - also tell us why we need Trident rather than proper infrastructure ie flood defences and adaquate sewerage.

As we in the West of Scotland are next in line for the torrents of rain (we are more used to it here, must be said) as well as the new Trident subs, I thought I would show you one of my holiday snaps from a sunny place.

Merkin On Slide Invites You!

Glass or Brass, Bottle full throttle




Especially for Zola and Son ( a Finnish Fred Dibnah consortium I have no doubt) some more music with the King of Experimental Slide guitar.
Grab your slide and play


Just the thing for a rainy, bluesy day wherever you are

GenerallyMore (for the) Boys

Imagine a situation.
A Union of the Trades variety.
The leaders speak of the inequality of the current situation.
Yet, they allow petty corruption to sully their own reputation.

To explain.
The workers are fighting to combat the iniquity of the Single Status Agreement.
This agreement will cut the wages of the lowest paid.
We have spoken about it before.
They need representation.
Do they have it?
No.
The local Convener has not attended a branch meeting for over 2 years.
Ok, change the Convener.
Not so simple.
The guys have pleaded with the Union big-wigs that they should be able to choose their own Convener.
National leaders have, instead, supported the 'Man who can't be touched'.
Why should this be?
Could it be that this Union (which can't be named) actually wants a non-existent Convener to 'not fight' for the workers in the Single Status battle?
Now, there have been umpteen meetings to resolve the situation
Money and time for all concerned (expenses for those and such as those, must be said)
No change.
Still protected - must be a good Bowling Club is all I can say.

Gets worse, though.
This Convener who has been protected through thick and thin by the Union leadership was never actually elected by anyone! Not anyone.
There has never been an election for him.
Imposed is not the word in that situation.
Sounds like something from a Clint Eastwood movie.
One day 'the man with no name' turns up and tells the workers that he is the Convener.
That is what appears to have happened.

For those of us who think that the Unions were subverted a long time ago by those who were Maggie's Children (Reid, Brown etc) we have a perfect example.

Name them and Shame them.
Anyone?

I am sure there is more to follow.

da da daddle eh

Hey, You!
Wanna play some music with The Merkin?


Go for it!

It Ain't Over Till ..........It's Defused

Today's blog was going to be about the escalation in 'Eastern' Europe - The Yanks having refused to ratify the Arms Control Treaty, the Russkies don't see why they alone should abide by it now.
Does this seem a coincidence considering the news this week that the Japs have agreed to pay in Euros for their Iranian oil?
Let's just hope so.
Still, worrying stuff.

So, rather than make you all miserable, a little bit of a Horror Story from the medical journals.
But be warned - you might be miserable if you are very fat and like putting strange objects up the chimney.

As we know, not all American women are like Baywatch Babes.

Anyone seen the zapper for the TV?
'500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital.
During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.'

What can you say?
Next please.
Okey Dokey.
Kinky or Perverted - ya pays yer money.

Bum burner or suicide bummer?
'A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell
was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the
shell so it could be removed.'

Don't say you weren't warned.

“In his first interview as the chairman of the Arkansas Republican Party, Dennis Milligan told a reporter that America needs to be attacked by terrorists so that people will appreciate the work that President Bush has done to protect the country. ‘At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on [Sept. 11, 2001],’ Milligan said to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, ‘and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country’.”

Could Our Gordon have thought the same?.
The 'attack' on Glasgow Airport is looking more suspicious by the day.

Shape of things to come (to the nth degree)

One of the first things that Thatcher Milk Snatcher did was to dramatically increase wages for the police. They did her bidding during the Miners Strike and paid her back well.
We see it today - the police force is no longer there to protect us from lawless elements.
The police force has been politicised to an unheard of degree and control of the population is the main task.
A friend of mine, many years ago, joined the Hong Kong Police quite rightly believing that a quasi-Military background would stand him in good stead upon his return to Britain.
At that time I couldn't see it but now think he was very forward thinking.
No surprise then to see this little story from across the pond.

Yellow Stars, Pink Stars, Thin Blue Lines : it's all the same, in fact.

Bombmaking for Merkins : Part 1

I don't do bombs. Simple.
Either for the 'Goodies' or the 'Baddies'.

Still, I take a Cherie Blair view of those who do resist by Kamikaze methods.

Did try to make a bomb once, though.
Must have been about nine years of age.
My father showed me how, and his accomplice supplied the bomb-making material.
Into the heart of The Gorbals we went, to Mr Fraser's Chemist Shop, on our nefarious mission.
We bought a Yellow substance a White substance and a Black substance.
In my room we mixed those substances together in proportions which I couldn't possibly divulge and tested the resultant mixture in the back garden.
Bingo. It burned very well. Nice.
But, it didn't cause an explosion.
It couldn't have. At least not spread on the ground in my back green.
You can't overturn the Laws of Physics.

Yet, the Government would have us believe that it is relatively simple to manufacture a liquid explosive and put a bomb together in an aeroplane toilet.
Contact lens solution and nail varnish remover.
But, Lt. Col. Wylde, who was awarded the Queen's Gallantry Medal for his command of the Belfast Explosive Ordnance Disposal Unit in 1974, described this scenario as a "fiction."

Crock of shit - here's why it can't be done.

In Glasgow, this weekend, the Government would, equally, have us believe that a car filled with gas canisters, nails and petrol constituted a 9/11 attack on an airport.
Problem is you can't overturn the Laws of Physics.
Sure, in Hollywood movies cars blow up if you even look at them the wrong way.
Not in real life.
Surely, gas canisters covered in petrol blow up if you light them?.
Not in real life.
Even cars with dual fuel LPG/Petrol engines carrying bags of nails have never been responsible for Apocalypse and Carnage on our roads when they crash.
Yet, the Government would have us believe it can be done.

Crock of shit - here's why it can't be done.

My own career as a subversive 9 year old culminated in an attempt to fabricate a landmine from a fireworks 'banger' and a plastic cup, remotely controlled along a 20 foot wire - using a Brillo pad and a battery for a detonator.
As any schoolboy knows, when you touch a piece of steel wool to the terminals of a PP3 battery it glows red. Touch it to your tongue and you get 'tickled'.
Fine.
Doesn't work, though, along a 20 foot wire - the resistance is too high.
Even a nine year old Merkin can't overturn the Laws of Physics.

Maybe Governments can do it in the name of patriotism?.

Certainly seems to have happened on 9/11 when, for the first time ever, a steel framed building collapsed into its own footprint as a result of fire.
Messrs Bush and Blair told us that this is how it happened so it 'must be true'.

But we know that it can't happen in real life, don't we?

Mother's little 'Pet Lamb'

My birthday was well celebrated yesterday. Hic.
My mother's birthday is today.

A thought has just occurred to me.
A major thought.
Really.
So, all those years ago, I was actually an early birthday present for my mother.
And who wouldn't be pleased to get A Little Merkin for their birthday?.
And did she realise the full horror that would unfold in years to come?

Except, for my mother, I am not MerkinOnParis.
For her, I will always be 'My Pet Lamb'.

Well, there you are, that's my street cred gone forever.

No matter, it's her birthday and she is allowed to look back if she wants.
I am sure the card from my sister reminds her of my father.
And why not?.

Birthdays are for Wimps

Any idea who these people are?