Monday, 25 June 2007

Drunk in charge of an unlicensed Merkin.

From time to time the Murdoch press gives us another scare story about the monolithic EU entity and attempts at protecting something or other.
We have often been regaled with tales of the soon-to-be bog standard sausage, tomato, blondie or even Defence Policy.
Most are worthy of no more than a laugh but some strike to the heart.
The following story should send a shiver down your wherever.

'Kilt wearers may need to get a licence for their sporrans it was revealed yesterday.
If they don't they could face a £5000 fine or even be jailed for 6 months'.

Part of a new scheme to protect endangered wild animals (in this case otters and badgers rather than sporrans, I hasten to add).

The regulations require anyone who has aquired any part of a range of protected species since 1994 to register it with the authorities.
The legislation apparently also covers 'fishing flies' made from animal hair.

In general, we would agree with the laudable aims of legislation to protect our flora and fauna.

However, what these Loony Commissars have neglected to consider is that this legislation will also apply to Merkins.

Shock horror.
Suddenly, I am an endangered species.

For those of you who are less than familiar with the ins and outs of The Merkin reality, have a gander at a description or two from MerkinWorld.

'A pubic wig or merkin as it was earlier known made its debut in 1450. It was used as a device to cover syphilitic pustules and gonorrheal warts in the genital area'.

The chosen material does vary but can be Yak hair or Human hair.

Now it is bad enough for those members of the Tartan Army who may have to suffer the indignity of DNA testing in the nether regions, but I am just a walking invitation to be arrested by any young plod eager to make a name for himself.

Imagine the conversation on a Friday night.

-Name sir.
-Errr, Merkin, hic, Occiffer, hic
- Aha, are you licensed according to the 1994 Protection of Wild Animals Ammendment, sir?
-Dunno, hic, Orifice, hic
-I shall need to take down your particulars, sir
-Not bloody, likely, hic
-Lettsby Avenue, sir

Extra-ordinary rendition to Bulgaria for DNA analysis must surely follow.
And then what?.

You lot have got it just soooo easy with ID Cards to look forward to.


lavenderblue said...

A licence for a Merkin ?
If the cap fits............

Merkin said...

And in case you think I was joking, I saw the same story in more than one newspaper, today.

Anna MR said...

Oh. My. God.

There are rarely things in the modern world to flabbergast me, or maybe I am becoming softer in my old age, after all.

I will go away and come back again when I can think of something witty to say.

(I think I'll go for the rainbow one, myself. Lavender?)

lavenderblue said...

Anna- I was going to say I'll stick to the one I already have..........
but that sounds a bit suspect,especially in the long hot days of summer..............

Merkin said...


McSporran said...

Mr Anna, I have seen the photo and i think you would look pretty in pink.
As for Lavender............

lavenderblue said...

Yes ??
As for Lavender - What ?

Anna MR said...

McSporran, sir - I'll keep your valued opinion in mind, when I do go merkin-shopping.

Maybe a girl is allowed several, in fact. A wardrobe of merkins...? That sounds rather an exciting prospect, actually. To match the shoes, or earrings. Yes, definitely.

lavenderblue said...

You can just see them on sale in Charity Shops can't you ?
Hardly worn at all, Madam.

And any second now Merkin will be moved to tell jokes.
And NO, Merkin ! she 'll have it Wrapped. OK ?

zola a social thing said...

This story does remind me of a few questions from the past. At rugby games the Scots always seemed to have a less than white jock strap.
Now I know why.

lavenderblue said...

ZoZoBear !
What a disgusting youth you must have had......................

Pretty in Mink said...

I played in one team where the Top Player had a mink jock-strap.

Lady Di Aphonous said...

I guess you were pretty close to the guy,huh?

pretty in mink. said...

Actually, yes.

first timer said...

What's this? New name?.
Shouldn't this site be called :

Lady Di Aphonous said...

Speak for yourself,dearie......

zola a social thing said...

Talking about furry and fluffy things which we were ( in a sense) I thought it only correct to inform you all that Pamela Anderson has written an open letter to the President of Finland "advising" the Finns to stop cultivating little furry and fluffy things. Believe me it's true.

Pamela Anderson has Finnish blood and believe that too. I asked her last night ( as we shared Finnish sausage after sauna)if she thought that the Merkin deserved a licence.

She replied : " I would like to see that Merkin on stilts before I say anymore on this matter."

lavenderblue said...

I have just looked out of my window and there is a bollock-naked man, masturbating furiously outside his house.
It's raining.
It's Wimbledon.
There are enough balls around at this time of year.
And I have not had breakfast yet.
And yes.
I have called the cops.
Fuck me.

lavenderblue said...

Now I have to describe him.
And he has my Post Code.

Merkin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pixie said...

well i was going to write a witty retort but having just gotten to the bottom of your comments I'm completely taken up with what Lav has at the bottom of her garden. i have fairys.
What happened next?

zola a social thing said...

Don't worry.
LavenderBlue likes a bit of rough from Nottingham ( DH Lawrence country yer knows).
But where is Merkin lurkin we ask!!!

lavenderblue said...

I have to describe big.........which hand.....ok,gorilla proportions,guv,fit body,itsybitsy penis.
Oh yes, I have agreed to go to court.
An impassioned plea as to whether he has a record for homicide has been ignored....

lavenderblue said...

And I'll have you know I have NEVER had a 'bit of rough'.
Thank you !
( any offers ?)

Merkin said...

Well, Lavender, that'll teach you to wear some clothes when you are in the studio, no?
A number of years ago my mother happened across a man who was similarly engaged at the entrance to her house.
She whacked the offending member with her handbag (a not insubstantial piece of gear) and shouted 'you dirty bastard'.
He 'beat?!' a very hasty retreat.

My, my, my, the fun that AntiCant is missing.

Merkin said...

Excuse me, Zola A Social Thingy, I'll have you know I was nowhere near the scene of the crime - and my virtual avatar does not carry that description.