From time to time the Murdoch press gives us another scare story about the monolithic EU entity and attempts at protecting something or other.
We have often been regaled with tales of the soon-to-be bog standard sausage, tomato, blondie or even Defence Policy.
Most are worthy of no more than a laugh but some strike to the heart.
The following story should send a shiver down your wherever.
'Kilt wearers may need to get a licence for their sporrans it was revealed yesterday.
If they don't they could face a £5000 fine or even be jailed for 6 months'.
Part of a new scheme to protect endangered wild animals (in this case otters and badgers rather than sporrans, I hasten to add).
The regulations require anyone who has aquired any part of a range of protected species since 1994 to register it with the authorities.
The legislation apparently also covers 'fishing flies' made from animal hair.
In general, we would agree with the laudable aims of legislation to protect our flora and fauna.
However, what these Loony Commissars have neglected to consider is that this legislation will also apply to Merkins.
Suddenly, I am an endangered species.
For those of you who are less than familiar with the ins and outs of The Merkin reality, have a gander at a description or two from MerkinWorld.
'A pubic wig or merkin as it was earlier known made its debut in 1450. It was used as a device to cover syphilitic pustules and gonorrheal warts in the genital area'.
The chosen material does vary but can be Yak hair or Human hair.
Now it is bad enough for those members of the Tartan Army who may have to suffer the indignity of DNA testing in the nether regions, but I am just a walking invitation to be arrested by any young plod eager to make a name for himself.
Imagine the conversation on a Friday night.
-Errr, Merkin, hic, Occiffer, hic
- Aha, are you licensed according to the 1994 Protection of Wild Animals Ammendment, sir?
-Dunno, hic, Orifice, hic
-I shall need to take down your particulars, sir
-Not bloody, likely, hic
-Lettsby Avenue, sir
Extra-ordinary rendition to Bulgaria for DNA analysis must surely follow.
And then what?.
You lot have got it just soooo easy with ID Cards to look forward to.