Tuesday, 21 August 2007

Not Married, but, with many children

Drunk as a skunk?
Fucking right I was.
Not often you make a proposal of marriage to a six foot five mountaineer when you are sober.
Normal on the bus to Poland, you might say.
I might say it too.
I like travelling by bus to Poland. You get to Dover and on to the ferry and get a coupla drinks.
With the aid of a small carry out, you can then sleep the 20 hours to get you through France, Belgium and Germany etc and arrive 'suitably refreshed' at your port of call.
Except, I over-did it in a major way, the happiness of my return to the land of the now-Ducks making me a bit too happy.
Got drinking with a Polish Dentist and an ex-patriot mountaineer, big style.
We were truly antisocial, drinking and smoking in the back of the bus and chatting up the stewardess. What seemed like a good idea at the time only ended when we collectively fell asleep in a pile on the floor.
I slept the sleep of the righteous and woke up in the middle of a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend, I think.
Dunno exactly.
Pretty Foxy whoever she was, I am sure.

My ex girlfriend who had wanted to get me 'done proper' by a crowd of bikers.

My ex girlfriend who had begged me for another child.

My ex girlfriend who had tried to destroy me.

Thatz the one to have a wet dream over.

The fact that I was sleeping on the shoulder of my six foot five mountaineer may have accounted for the conflation moment which overtook me.
The fact that he had long black hair and massive pectorals also contributed a bit of flavour.

'Will you marry me?'

I was reminded of the scene from 'Some Like it Hot' where Tony Curtis nearly marries Osgood Fielding

But you don't understand!
(he rips off his wig;
in a male voice)
I'm a MAN!

Well - nobody's perfect.

Through the drunken haze I started to realise that I was not making one of my better lifetime choices.

'I like you a lot but I am not that way inclined. If I was, you would be my first choice. Honestly.', he said. His terror in the confines of a Eurobus was manifest.

Fully awake now, I tried to think how to explain my momentary loss of situation.
All that happened was that I made things worse.
Every time I thought that my foot was out of my mouth I only succeeded in replacing it with another foot.
Perhaps, like Kafka, I had woken up as a centipede.
One hundred excuses later, I got off in the South of Poland.

He stayed on, never to be seen again.

(And he never even sent me a postcard)


lavenderblue said...

I bet the poor bastard is in an asylum somewhere.............

zola a social thing said...

Merkin needed that wig.

Merkin said...

Zola, 'The Wig is the Man'.

Yes, LavvyBloo, not the first I have caused to be committed and not the last, I am sure.

kyklops said...

"The South of Poland"... You know that has a nice ring to it... I bet someone could make a buck there with the right promotion...

[This is possibly a matter of across-the Atlantic usage--"the south of x" conjures up beaches, resorts, etc. in my mind...]

having my cake said...

Sounds like you had a fortunate escape. Isnt Hostel set in Poland? You get talking and drinking with some nice locals on public transport and then...

Merkin said...

Indeed, Kyklops, the Deep South - about an hour from the German border - is very picture-squee.
Plenty of mountains but no coastline.

Nice to see you, Cake.

In fact, I have had the odd 'skirmish' or two on public transport - but only with women.
Still, nobody's perfect.
PS liked the picture

Szwagier said...

It has a very nice ring to it when it's not full of shitfaced English yobs - male and female - having what they deem to be fun at the locals' expense.

Very important distinction there. The Scots and Irish are still greeted warmly here in Krackers; but the English, those of marriageable age mind, are loud, boorish, generally unpleasant, and should probably, in the words of Pike, in his amber cavern of weeds, be used as landfill.

Merkin said...

Well a Kiwi would say that, no?

Pixie said...

great story... works well, wonderful imagery of you and 6'5" bloke entwinned...

zola a social thing said...

Swagiman seems a trite more cheerful right now.
Nice to see him re-surface and no doubt our Merkin will perk im up even more soon.
Hello again Swaggi.

NMJ said...

Lovely Merkin, I like the way you write, (even when you're being a wee bit oblique/surreal, & I don't know what you mean). This one's crystal. Very funny too.

I saw Some Like It Hot for the first time last Christmas, one of the best films ever, made Little Britain sketches look tired and old.