Sunday, 11 May 2008

The Chilling Tale of The TartanMerkinel

I was in Poland, it was my birthday and I celebrated with few friends including my blood-brother (who is a Mongolian Tiger tamer!). It was lovely weather and we continued, long after the pubs closed, with a 'kerry-oot' in the Salt Square and, later, on the banks of the River Odra.
One photograph shows my friend relieving himself in the Odra Fossa.
At one point, the Police asked for our papers but were flummoxed because I was a foreigner. In retrospect, I was really lucky.
You see, later that day the rains started and it rained and rained and rained.
I went back to Scotland and was 'lucky' enough to miss the resulting flooding which killed a number of people in Poland.
The 1997 Wielka Woda, or 'big water', is still talked about.

It was not safe for me to return to Poland for a few weeks - the City was underwater for some time. Even when I did go back, things were still very tough.
Both water treatment plants were still knocked out and I was even forced to wash in a town centre restaurant as there was no water in my flat.

Still, at least I had my water treatment tablets.

Following the news in Scotland, there had been reports of cholera in Katowice and I had inquired about the possibility of vaccination. My sister told me that WHO advice was that hydrating rather than vaccination was the current method of treatment.

Things, slowly, returned to normal and we got back to the business of partying.
My friend who had pissed in the river was the object of some fun with someone suggesting that he had started The Flood (politically, he would be an Enviro-punk) in order to destabilise Society.

Lots of fun for all the family. Or maybe not.

You see, apart from my friendship with this dodgy character, I was also in possession of three items which may be construed as essential terrorist tools.

I was holding my documents in a money belt (a covert body pouch).
I was carrying a Swiss Army Knife (hidden in my pocket).
I had the de rigeur packet of Water Treatment Tablets (secreted in my ticket pocket).

And, if the Police had decided to check out my flat they would also have found a very large Bowie knife covered in dried blood (most of which came from the aforementioned Mongolian Tiger Tamer, but, some of which was mine) together with still yet more Water Treatment Tablets.

Many is the time I have woken up in a cold sweat thinking how lucky I am to still be free.

Think I am being paranoid?
Well, think again.

In what can only be described as the latest terrorist show trial, the Police offered the following evidence of terrorist intent through the power of purchase.

'Items included a Swiss Army knife, water purification tablets and secure body wallets, described by the observing police officer as a covert body pouch.'

These items were bought from Camping Shops, no less.
I wonder if in my plea in mitigation I could argue that the Government facilitated my wrongdoing, seeing as I had bought my equipment from the Youth Hostel Association and The Army and Navy Stores.

Poor bastards. They are going to get a long stretch based on the type of evidence which demands, to quote a friend, a leap of faith the breadth of Dante's Inferno.

From Stef's Blog :

'Dead suicide fanatics who don't appear to have been fanatics, or suicidal

Dead Al Qaeda supporting suicide fanatics who appear to have believed that Al Qaeda is sponsored by the CIA

Endless talk of well-funded sophisticated international terror networks who seem to only employ incompetent losers in bedsits and MI5/MI6 connected gasbags

Endless talk of well-funded sophisticated international terror networks being close to securing atom bombs and killer robots but which are making do with Lucozade and Chapatti flour in the meantime'

It would be fucking hilarious if it wasn't so serious - and all done with the complicity of the MSM in this country.


zola a social thing said...

What would they have said about your jock strap?
Give that to the sniffer dogs said the smiling Scot.

ben trovato said...

The RSPCA would have something to say about that!

MerkinOnParis said...

Surely that should have been 'what would they have said about those straps, Jock?'.
I am a true Scotsman and only ever wear anything under when I am training or doing Burlesque.

Having said that, after training, my jockstrap would make a virgin swoon at twenty paces.
And frequently has.