Monday, 2 November 2009

I'm Not Bitchin' I'm Clownin'


The Merkin has finally succumbed to the lure of X-Factor.
Well, not quite but I have watched it a few times over the last wee bit.

Why should this be so?

I meet good friend of mine a coupla times a week for the odd whisky or two and a parsing of the weeks events politically (hopefully that doesn't get us on a watch list, somewhere).

The local bar where this Tollpuddle-esque activity takes place has, in recent times, taken to showing X-Factor on the large screen for the delectation of the various Foggies, Compos, Cleggies, Victors and Jacks that inhabit the 'old man's bar'.

So, I am stuck with it as I am a very junior member of that esteemed congregation.

Secondly, my girlfriend - a very, very good karaoke singer who is, unfortunately, not a musician - gets her musical education from this very programme, it seems, while busily ignoring my unrivalled production skills.

Again, I am stuck with it such is the lure of Nat King.

No matter, at least the guy with the big hairdo is going to sing one of my favourite songs - 'Get yer Rocks Off' by Primal Scream.

But wait, how are they going to deal with those lines in the verse which mention junkies, whores, strip-joints, bitches and itchy clap?

And I guess that 'hunchbacks' is not going to figure prominently before the nine'o'clock watershed either.

Dealers keep dealin'
Thieves keep thievin'
Whores keep whorin'
Junkies keep scorin'
Trade is on the meat rack
Strip joints full of hunchbacks
Bitches keep bitchin'
Clap just keep a itchin'

What to do to prevent our vulnerable youngsters hoisting the black flag and starting to slit throats?

Easy done.
Just do the old karaoke trick of makin' up the words as you go along and hoping that no-one will notice the difference.

The result?

Dealers keep dealin'
Thieves keep thievin'
Jokers keep jokin'
Hustlers keep hustlin'
Cops keep coppin'
Hustlers keep comin'
Bitches keep bitchin'
Clowns keep comin

I can see Cowell and Walsh in Father Ted mode giving Jamie last minute instructions in the use of the bad language :

'Down With That Sort Of Thing' and 'Careful Now'.

On the other hand, perhaps I am being overly cynical and he really is the archetypal karaoke singer who doesn't mind what rubbish he spews forth.

My girlfriend will be vindicated (which is what I will be if she ever reads this post!).



zola a social thing said...

At last me Merky.
Things are only things when they are thingin.
Liked that postI did.

Merkin said...

Well, I did show this post to my girlfriend.

Being a smart cunt, I also decided to sing the song with guitar to illustrate.

Caught out!!

I started singing the song and was haf way through the first verse before I realised that I was singing the wrong words, however convincingly.

Hoist by my own petard.

Edward said...

Ha! Hoist indeed. As a matter of fact, how do you tell the difference between a very good karaoke singer and a musician? Surely you have to have some musical chops to be a singer? Or are they like drummers?

Merkin said...

Edward, I will reply on your site!!

Barnacle Bill said...

This guy has some interesting ideas, some i think even I may try out!